The Pain You Know Too Well
by avanzderp
Summary: Reagan felt this way before. That hurt you feel, subtly, when you know you're about to lose someone. But she's not giving up just yet, until she knows and makes sure of that Amy would be happy. Because that was all that mattered, Amy's happiness. She'll still be there even when that pain, which she knows too well, might crush her just then.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey. So uhm, this is the first fanfic I wrote, I'm new and obviously in need of guidance * bows* I've had lots of ideas but I was just too lazy. Can I please get some reviews? I've had this thing in my head for a while now. I just want to know if I should continue or whatever. Harmful or not, I just want your comments.**

**It was just something that came in mind while scribbling stuff on the back of my chemistry notebook. :)  
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><p><strong>Reagan<strong>

You felt it. Again. That hurt you feel when you know, just know, that you're losing someone. And it hurts a bit more that you're definitely sure she's drifting away but you're still there, hanging onto it, to whatever's left of your relationship because you can't just leave it like that way. It seems like shallow reasoning at first, but, you just know.

_"Life's too short to chase someone, whose chasing someone else."_

You said so yourself. But, then you ask yourself, why couldn't you just reach up to your own words? It's not like you love her enough to go through that pain, again, right? Wrong.

You love her enough to fight for her, even when you have no chance of winning her back. You love her enough to let yourself lose and let her be happy, for whatever decision she would have to make. You love her enough to admit that maybe, you should have just let go. But you didn't, because you love her enough to just wait, to just hold on still.

You never doubted it for a second when she said those words, _"I love you, Rae."_ In fact, you trust her well enough, even before then, that night when you poured your heart out, when you told her about that one relationship that caused you much, much pain._ 'Just a phase.'_ You knew you had her. And you still do, it's just that, you didn't expect her to run, no, _walk_ back to Karma, cause the hurting process is just painfully slow, just when you thought she loved you as much as you did.

But you know it all too well. You know the pain too well. And it stings like a bitch.  
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It kinda bit you in the ass that night, when you first felt it, when she was apologizing over the phone debating whether or not she would just cancel out your plans for the evening or she could deal with some Karma drama. You didn't know what came over you but you told her, with all your confidence, that it's ok and you could just have her for yourself the next day. She said she'd call you back and you said you'd wait.

And so you waited, and waited, and waited. "_It's ok, Reagan, she probably just slept it off. No biggie._"

You try and tell yourself just that.

When she did call, which was 37 hours later, instead of being upset, you just clutched and held on to the phone and waited for her to explain what took her so long or just say something because the silence between you two is kind of unnerving. Though you think that your brain had stopped working because your mind could not form coherent thoughts you could've said, you just blurted out "Hey, I missed you." And being met by a quiet "I miss you too."

You can feel that she meant it, but not the way you wanted to hear; the way she said it just kind of made your heart heavier and you just know something isn't right.

"Rae.. I.. I'm terribly sorry I didn't call you back. I swear, I didn't forget about our supposed date.. It just.. Karma was-" You cut her off.

"No, I understand, though, I'm a little upset because, for a minute I actually thought I was ditched and jealousy came over me and I thought of stuff." you say. "Like, for a second I thought you forgot about me"

"No, Reagan, I'm sorry. I really am. I promise I'll make it up to you." She says, followed by a 10-second-like pause. "I love you."

You hesitate for a moment, not because you don't want to say it back, but you just missed her saying that. Not like it was 37 hours ago or whatever. "I love you, too, Shrimps." You say with a not-so-happy chuckle, heart banging out of your chest. "Can I take you out for coffee? There's this new shop with donuts and a lot of baked goods." You say casually, not hinting that there's this thing in your chest that stings just as it beats, which was fast, really, and somewhat familiar.

"Sounds good, pick me up at 7." Then she hangs up.

That evening, sure she was smiling, she accepted those flowers you bought and referred to as 'the symbol of my love for you' jokingly, she held your hand, and laughed, flirted and just be couple-y, but you weren't that dumb to not notice the way she zones out and seems to be in deep thought, which doesn't happen usually when you are together, and come on, there are _donuts_. So yeah, there seems to be some thing.

"Hey, are you alright? You've been kinda swooped away a lot tonight." You say as you lead her to your truck.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I think. Maybe, I'm just tired." She said, barely taking glances over you as she climbs in the door you just opened for her.

"Oh. Ok." You mumble with your lips a bit tucked.

It was past 9 when you got to their driveway.

You have a lot of things, like a lot, running through your mind as you pull up. Both of you stayed silent for a minute, which seemed like forever. You look at her, deciding to speak up.

"Amy." You say softly. You have no idea what to tell her. "You know you can tell me if something is wrong, right?" she nods.

"I know, it's nothing. Walk me to the door?" she said and smiled weakly. You can just feel this thing that keeps squeezing your heart.

"Of course."

You opened the door for her, and before you could even close it after her, she leaned in to you and kissed you slowly and passionately, like it was her last and just savoring the moment. You kiss her back.

Your hands stayed on her hips and hers lazily grazing your neck. You pull away, eyes still half closed. She leaned her forehead on yours and she sighs. A long one.

"Am-"

"Sshh." She cuts you off, and bumps your noses together. She pulled you into a hug, tight, and buries her face in your neck. You hug her back, sliding your arms around her waist. After what seemed like an eternity. You broke the silence and told her "I wish I knew why you're sad."

"Am I hurting you?" she asked . "I'm sorry if I'm acting this way. There's just stuff that I shouldn't be paying attention to at the moment that's keeping me from the one thing I should really care about noticing." She kissed you on your cheek, lingering, but you don't mind her breath tickling your cheek.

"I love you. I love you." she whispered, you feel the tight contours of her fingertips on your shoulder.

You pull away from your embrace, and caress her cheek with the back of your hand, and she leans into the contact, you lift her face so your eyes could pierce through hers.

"And I love you. I could say it over and over and over again." You say softly. "Now let's get you inside, I know you're cold." And touch her nose, to which she giggles half-heartedly.

You've said your goodnights, a peck on the lips, and a rather depressing wave from Amy as you walk towards your truck, still feeling that tug on her chest that you just can't get rid of.

She's there, but half of her wasn't.

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><p>er, thoughts? ; - ; i think it went horrible. im sorryyyyyyy. but, hey, that's why i need comments, right? let. me. know. how i sucked. XD<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

The Pain You Know Too Well

I am flattered with your reviews, and, yes I have planned for the next ones; definitely Reamy endgame. Just hahaha is all. Thankssss. I'll try and update as soon as I can and, I love angsty fics, by the way so #sorrynotsorrybutalittlebitsorrysorry

Chapter 2

You are awake. It's nearly 2 am, and thirty minutes from when you just got back from some silly hipster underground party. Sleep is nowhere near you and so you were on your couch, feeling so tired but never quite gotten the rest you've been craving all week.

A week full of gigs, a lot of tables catered and tended to, DJ-ing to the point you almost got sick of it but not really, cause you're just tired and a certain blonde had all her focus on schoolwork, well, not really _all _of her attention though.

_'__It's almost finals, Rae; I've been revising nonstop, though at this point I think I've studied my ass off already.' She chuckles, sleepily._

_"__Well then, you should know by now that after all this, I'm going to be all touchy and be sweet and lady-like and take you out in fancy dinners and have you all to myself, right?"_

_"__If you insist." You hear her smile through the phone. "Besides, I miss our late night sneak ins and midnight diners, which is soooo cliché by the way." She laughs._

_"__But you love it anyway."_

_"__I do, and I love you." Before you could even reply, she started speaking again. "Hey mom's gonna barge in and check up on me any second now. I've got to goooo." She says childishly._

_"__Well, I love you too, bye." You hung up. _

That was 3 days ago, yesterday she finished her tests and she was supposed to call you tonight. Well, that was what she told you, that she'd call, wherever and whatever you were doing.

Sure you texted a lot during your shifts and her breaks, yeah, you understand that she's been busy and you think she still is, because of the lack of conversation, but there just wasn't enough _Amy _there.

"She's probably tired. I know _I_ would be." You say out loud, talking to no one, your ceiling maybe. You're getting more and more frustrated by the second, realizing, _'I'd still have time for her, even when I know wouldn't get to sleep, I'd still have time to call her and tell her how my day was."_

You suddenly up and get your pillow, loudly screaming "Fuuuuckkk. What am I thinkiiiing." Through muffled voice that seemed to fill you apartment.

You swore you were badass. Even before then, you were so sure of yourself. Confident; no worries. Not this insecured little brat that makes a big deal out of something that isn't.

You suddenly thought, that there are a lot of things you would do for this girl that she wasn't invested enough to do for you. _Stop. Stop. _

"What if she's grown tired of meeeeeee?" You uncover your face with your pillow.

'_Or I'm just being paranoid-' _'_Stop it. Stop overthinking things.' _Your thoughts are too loud. Maybe she was probably just tired and dozed off, maybe she would call tomorrow, after all, you've just proven a lot of thinking can be really exhausting, as you went and drift off to sleep, yourself.

You woke up to the sound of your alarm. _Great, now I'll need more sleep. _You only slept for like 4 hours and you still aren't ready to get up just yet.

But, you decided, that to keep your mind from a lot of stuff, you carry on and let the day unfold itself as you get to work.

You try and text Amy.

_:: Good morning, Shrimp Girl, I was waiting for your call last night, I miss yooooouuu. Call me? ::_

You haven't sent it yet, but you thought why were you being nice about this, you actually felt ditched last night, but after a moment, you chose to

send it anyway.

It wasn't until you were dressed in your waitress outfit and about to walk out of your apartment when your phone rang.

_"__Hey, sorry I haven't called and stuff. Lauren begged me to go shopping and when I refused, Mom overheard us and well it went on from there an—"_

"It is fine, Shrimps, besides, I love Satan's ninja to bits." You said which earned you a chuckle from the other end. "Really, it's ok."

_"__I reeeaally am sorry, I know I've been distant lately and, I miss you too." _She sighs. _"Why don't you come over? I mean, after work of course, if you want?" _She says, with a hint of something in her voice.

"Ugh, now I think I made the wrong decision of signing up for today's party." You groan in frustration but laugh it off immediately. "I'd love to. I'll be over when it's.. well, over." You chuckle. "I should be going now, byeeee."

"_Wait, Reagan… I love you. Byeee." _She hangs up, not having to hear your '_I love you too.' _

A few hours of impatient catering and almost torturous by-passing seconds later, you were finally in your truck and on your way to paradise. You didn't bother changing your work clothes into cuddling-that-could-turn-to-something-more clothes because, finally, you were off to see Amy, that, and you left a bag with your clothes over one time. _'Hooray for me.' _

It's almost 9 when you pulled over, not exactly in front of Amy's house but a few houses down, which she instructed you to, which means, she'll also want you to do another mission-not-so-impossible sneak in. You giggle at the thought. _Why am I being so eager?_

You try and be as cliché as you can, so you picked up the smallest pebble you can obtain and toss it through Amy's window.

It wasn't long until she peered over and smiled, opening widest she can with said window. "I thought you were coming a little later than now." She beamed. "Not that I'm complaining, anyway." She added with a wink.

You did your stunt, easily and well done, and as you have fully and not-so-gracefully landed both your feet onto her carpet, with one swift duck, you sigh at how amazing you have gotten a hang of this.

"Mission comp—" She interrupted you with a hug you certainly were expecting but, hey, a little more time, maybe? But, of course that was an understatement, cause you slowly wrap your arms around her waist and she sighs a heavily. "—plete."

She pulls back slightly, and gives you a passionate kiss. '_God, I missed these kisses.' _You stayed like that for a minute, keeping your tongues at bay and keeping it slow.

But as much as you want to keep kissing her, which you'll probably do a lot later, you broke your lips apart because you're sure you're already panting and you have something for her.

"That was.. well.. wow." She says, clearly in a stupor.

"I think I have all night for that." You say, biting your bottom lip in the sexiest way you can manage. You untangle your hair from that messy all-around-bun and removed your boots. "But, I have something for you." You say proudly and confidently. You can't help but giggle at yourself.

"Whatever it is, it won't be better than the real prize." She wiggles her eyebrows playfully and winks. You realize she had just tried flirting, but failed. You hid your laugh.

"You're too cute, but that was awful. Dork." You stuck your tongue out while searching for the item in your tiny, tiny backpack. Meanwhile, you can feel her gaze all over you and you can't help but blush.

"Don't think that I didn't notice how your sexy, cater-waiter uniform is worn a bit higher than it usually is." She says boldly..

"Oh shut up, I just actually folded it on my way here, probably to seduce you." You wink. "Here." You say, handing it to her.

"OOOOOHH, Is it a puppy?!" She asks with a huge grin, and you roll your eyes snarkily.

"It's a mix tape. I had plenty of time, you know, mixing them up." She chuckles at that. "I basically had some of my favorites in there, that uhm, make me think of you. Which is always, so." You say the last part shyly and quietly, but she hears it.

"And to think that I was the cheesy one." She scoffs and laughs, you rolled your eyes at her playfully. "Well, thank you, I appreciate this." She says as she leans in and gives you a quick peck, which you thought would last longer but she purposely moved away. She went to her computer and put the disk in, a few clicks here and there and now music can be heard around the room.

It's soft, but sensual. Sexy, but just right. She just stood there. You just stared. She was getting into it, the song. Your heart flutters as she looks at you smiling that adorable smile you missed for weeks. "It's really good." She nods. "Come here." She says and you do as you were told.

She still has her back on you as you approach her, so you confidently slid your arms on her waist, once again. Without your heeled boots, the top of your head is merely an inch above hers so you nuzzled your face at the back of her head, with her scent all over the place.

She relaxes at the contact and you began to sway her to the rhythm of the music. Slowly, you were dancing, but never leaving your place, which was oh-so-sweet. Slowly you were feeling like you're falling for her all over again. Don't get yourself wrong, but it feels good. It feels right.

You began leaving kisses from where your head is resting and slowly made your way to the back of her ear.

She tilts her head slightly as you brush away the strands of hair that seems to keep you from kissing her better. She giggled softly as you purposely graze your fingers along her neck. You were full on leaving open-mouthed kisses on her shoulder now. She's breathing heavily, eyes closed and the ends of her mouth twitched into a sexy smile.

"Amy." You say, quietly, letting the heat of your breath and lips brush on her skin. And as of instinct, she twirled around to face you, your arms still wrapped around her waist and hers snake around your neck, colliding her forehead with yours and staying that way.

So, after a while, an eternity of slow dancing maybe, the both of you just giggled, she can be sexy and cute at the same time and that thought just made you pepper her face with kisses, stopping soully and lovingly at her lips which you kissed eagerly.

"So, what do you wanna do?" You ask, not that you were oblivious to where this was supposed to be going but, you just had to ask away.

"We could... We could play board games?" She suggested jokingly, and you know well that she's just messing. Her eyes are still closed, smiling with her face an inch from yours.

"That sounds... not fun." You whisper as you kiss her cheek. You leaned your forehead over hers again.

"Well, uhm... are you hungry? We could order pizza?" She knows well too, that you weren't hungry for pizza; _though a different kind of hungry._

"Oh, I'm not hungry. There were a lot of shrimp platters served at the party. All I thought of eating. Were. Shrimps." You whisper with a smirk kissing her again, sliding your arms from her waist down the back of her thighs and carry her onto the desk.

"Gross." She says with a smile, eyes still closed, she pecked you on the lips. "I could give you a.. a back massage? Or we could _do _stuff." She says, slightly annoyed that this is taking too slow, so she pulled you closer and started kissing you hard.

Her hand played, pulled and stroked your hair from the nape of your neck. She always went for the bottom lip, and as she did, her tongue came sliding in without warning and you gasp slightly, then smiled.

"Easy there, tiger." You say between kisses, but she just carried on with her amazing tongue-work. "On second thoughts." You whispered and instantly got your game on too, and play along with her.

That was until the kiss got deeper and both of you, well, your tongues, fought for dominance. You clearly won and pulled back slightly, only to be pulled back into the kiss again. This time, it was less intense but still full of passion. You open your eyes, hers followed by. Your heart just became the drummer you never knew it was and suddenly you felt all tingly _everywhere. _

You look at each other, smiled and you kissed her, again, this time leading yourselves to the bed, and all the while struggle as you stumble backwards and remove your clothes, tossing them in their rightful places; the floor. Not breaking, _never, _the kiss.

And you thought to yourself, _'Definitely worth waiting for.'_

Again, thank you for your nice reviews. :)) But sorry to break it to ya, angst and heartbreak and so much is coming, well, in my head. I apologize for the mistakes and thank you for reading. _Salamat! _:))))


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